But, take a chance, right?
Last night, Jennifer and I fought. We fought the way it usually does: she unleashes a torrent at me, I curl away inside to absorb the beatings, and she throws more and more and more at me until...I snap. I snap and the curling inside becomes the curling outside. The beatings I feel inside show the impacts on the outside. What can I do? We argue, and I get beaten verbally over and over again, and I can't stand against that tide because when I stand, I stand strong, and when I do, it only reminds me of him or her dad or someone that isn't me. And when there's nothing else to do, I try to get away, try to get away from the pain, only to remind her of him, again. I can't do anything...I try to explain and it all goes wrong. I can't do anything, it's so hard to do anything. I get so scared. You can't begin to understand how scared I get. You don't understand how scared I am of her. When she speaks loudly, with more harsh tones, there's nothing to go against that. There's nothing to try and appease that. You can't fight, you can't compromise, you can't do anything because it's all washed away in pain and hurt. Pain and hurt that you may not have caused; pain and hurt that you tried to prevent; pain that is compounded because of the pain that you know can never be cured. Sometimes it gets so hard to listen to her because I just think of those times when I would be screaming out to the heavens to kill me. I think about those times when I would be on my knees weeping rivers asking why is it that every sinew in my body was being torn out from within me? I think about the times when I would begin to convulse and spasm in the throes of a mental breakdown, losing all my faculties and screaming in my head to stop...but it never listens.
And it doesn't go away....
The next day, after a night of crying, sobbing, wimpering like a beaten dog, convulsing without remorse, it lingers. When you beat someone, the person that released all their feelings feel the catharsis that they wanted. But for the beaten, it stays and stays and drains them of such life that the next day felt like hardly worth living. Today felt like it was hardly worth living. All the day before the fight, I felt confident, sure about myself, ready to take on the year. Now...where the FUCK did it all go? Where the FUCK did I go? What the FUCK happened to me? She doesn't understand, and I can't explain because she goes to pieces before I can explain, so what does she not know when she tells me what's wrong before I tell her what's wrong with me? I can't explain anything because it's always wrong, it's always my fault, it's something she has no control over, it's something that I should've known, it's something that isn't her fault...but yet she wants to know. She wants to talk, she wants to have the same beautiful thing we had earlier, but I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT. I can't do it because it's so hard to reach in and try to pull something nice out. It's so FUCKING PAINFUL to reach in me to find that thing that made me so loved. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I've lost so much throughout this year. I've lost so much throughout this year that had been with me for decades, that made me who I was. I've lost so much...it's so hard to tell if I'm still here anymore...so tired...been fighting for so long...so tired...I can't fight a war on so many fronts...
For god's sake, people...If Jennifer has told you anything is that I am a shy person, though I may not act like it, I play everything close to the chest. I don't reveal many things about me for the sake of my own well-being. Jennifer has time and time again gone out and acted against those wishes because it was "who she is" and i've always tried to support that since it's so important to her to be able to be open and be free to talk because she never got to before. but...for god's sake, why can't a person have their own wishes and desires? if i want to be a recluse; if i want to keep myself out of the light, then why force me into it? state my feelings? defend myself against the words of others over my actions? i can't, i won't break down to rekindle all the fires that have burned the bones that were inside me. you have your opinions, i have mine. but make no mistake, to stand and say that i am no "asshole, jackass," or anything else than that of a human being, is a right that i have fought, wept, and bled for. the hardest part over this whole matter is that i tried to stop the pain, but did nothing more than to arrive into newer pain. you tell me how i can stop it. you tell me what i haven't tried for eons on end to stop, to change, to alter, and perhaps i'll stoop to my knees and call you a better man than i. i hate rambling.
P.S. Even though I complain and bitch and moan about how no one comes to my blog, i don't want charity. if i complain, i complain to get it out of my mind, not to just have it be appeased eith sarcasm and derision. if i can't even complain about my woes without insult, then i'll just keep it all inside, away from prying, reading eyes. then it'll just eat me away, til heaven falls and hell freezes. i've lost count of how many mistakes i've made, but, that big guy in the sky (zeus) knows i'll be making plenty more before this is through. i hate rambling.
i begged to not be hated, i begged for understanding, i begged for forgiveness; only to find myself begging for all those things again. i've been on my knees for too long, i've been clawing at the walls of my mind for peace for too long, i've been blindsided by neglect for too long. so long, farewell, and may your lives be what you wish of it. from all of me to all of you, Nam Huu Nguyen
sorry, it was meant to be that i left mindsay. i didn't create this blog and i hardly updated it, hardly anyone read it, so i was planning to go. sorry if i upset anyone, misled anyone, or in general pissed anyone off thinking i was in some desperate act in need of attention. a suicide note isn't written in places where no one will read it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, who may pass by this message take heed, for, in truth, perhaps there is no god...
A few days ago, last thursday to be exact, Jennifer Anne Ruiz called
the probation officer to check the status on the case against Daniel
Giron Aguilar-Cunt-Ass-licker-Fucktard. The truth is that the cops have
lost all their sense of justice and sense and have determined that most
of the cases of intercourse were consensual and that the DA has decided
to only charge him with one case of juvenile oral copulation
(transaltion: jack shit). On top of that, there is word that Jennifer
may be charged as well since minor sexual intercourse is illegal.
After all this...after all of this, it has led to nothing. NOTHING AT
ALL! DO YOU HEAR ME! WHO TOLD THE COPS!? THE SCHOOL! WHO EXTORTED
INFORMATION!? THE COPS! WHO FUCKING DID THE CRIMES!? HE DID. and who,
who mind you, is receiving all that this fucking world has to torture a
soul? Her. She had to be pulled from class by a corrupt administration.
She had to relive the moments once again to the cops who have abandoned
her and led her astray. She has post-traumatic stress disorder. WHAT THE FUCK HAS SHE RECEIVED FOR HER PAIN? FOR THIS GODDAMN INJUSTICE?! TELL ME OUT THERE, WHO SEES THE JUSTICE IN THIS PAIN1? I know of one, he's been studying law, and he would, in his heartlessness, say, "There's nothing that can be done. That's just how it is." The law is relative. The law is fluid. As is all in this ephemeral world, all is fluid except the idea that people still have the duty to do what is right. FUCK YOU ALL IN THIS FUCKING WORLD! I HATE YOU ALL! NONE OF YOU HEARD HER BLEED OUT HER EMOTIONS! NONE OF YOU HAD TO LISTEN IDLY WHILE HER HEART WAS TORN DOWN IN A CAVALCADE OF DESPAIR AND EMOTIONAL DEATH! FUCK COPS! FUCK THEM ALL! FUCK THE COPS THAT RUINED LIVES! FUCK THE COPS THAT LEAD GOOD PEOPLE ASTRAY TOWARD INJUSTICE. Can anyone tell me if there is still a god? Can anyone tell me why Barrabbas was chosen over Jesus? Can anyone tell me a good reason that a criminal, devoid of repentance, deserves to live?
I shake.
Everything makes
Me snap, cry, writhe
I want to love
But I feel curled,
Hiding, shielding.
Her words
Sometimes soothe
Sometimes burn
So many times
I burn.
I want it to stop.
It's all in my head.
It's all in my head.
What's wrong with me?
What the fuck happened to me? What the fuck happened to me?
 | You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.
What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com |
| Which member of the Deadly Viper Assasination Squad are you? Bill (Snake Charmer) You are the leader of the Squad, but watch your back.
|
| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
A few weeks ago, Jennifer was going to a rec class (or being picked up from school, I do not recall) by her mother. When she was in the car with her mom, her mom began to give her problems. Some things that were not too out of the normal, since her mother has a tendancy of bringing up dumb stuff at the wrong times. But...the worst part of this time was that her mom demanded to know what had happened to Jennifer with Daniel. If that doesn't seem to bad to all of you out there who think, "it's about time her mom go into the mix," you have to realize that this case has been going on for what...5 MONTHS. WHERE WAS HER MOM THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS? WHERE WAS SHE BEYOND HER ANGER AND APATHY WHEN SHE HAD TO TALK TO THE DETECTIVE AND TREAD THESE HORRORS ALL OVER AGAIN? If you can take the moment to imagine that of all times, to be inside a car after going to a class, to describe the AGONY AND PAIN ALL OVER AGAIN and for what? FOR WHAT?! a mother that told her, herself, "if you had told us, we would've prevented us..." ...yes...ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer's mother didn't comfort, care, or show affection beyond stating that JENNIFER WAS ALL AT FAULT! WHEN HER PARENTS WERE THE ONES THAT BELIEVED DANIEL'S SIDE OF THE FUCKING STORY! you had to listen to her to understand her pain. Everything that happened to her she had to tell to one of the most APATHETIC people in her life that SHOULD be one of the ones that should care the most. Her mom. AND, as if that WASN'T enough! When, Jennifer was in such mental anguish that she turned her head away, her mom TOOK HER FACE AND POINTED IT TO HER OWN. She took her face and forced her to face her mom. For a person that was raped repeatedly, for a person that was forced to do many things, for a person that is in such great pain...SHE HAD TO DO THAT. I am only a vessel through which a story is told. A mere filter through which what remains is told. If you seek the truth, find it yourself. Ask her, tell her you care. Because I know that you all do. Take care, all of you, and may the heavens bring peace to the poor in spirit, for their's is the kingdom of heaven...if there were to be a god...
First, I need to develop a ton of technology for analyzing the world's oceans, from minerals, to currents, to phytoplankton. Then, I need a load of stuff based on examining creatures of the deep: cameras, scuba, collection tanks. After that, I need to have submarines in order to explore the deeper regions of the world and stay down there longer. Submersibles and underwater planes to keep up with the faster moving fishes and cetaceans of the seas. To hold them all together, I would have a majestic ship and a stouty crew of sailors, scientists, and adventurists to use all the tools. And the scientists can rotate out as well. We would travel across the seas in search of adventure and science. Scientists can reside on-board to study the world's oceans in general, or scientists would helicopter in to have the ship execute a specific science experiment when we were in a part of teh seas. It would be like the explorer ships of old like Challenger and the ship that took Darwin to the Galapagos. The voyages would be long, but we would visit the deepest, most mysterious parts of the oceans, as well as pull in to ports across the world, from Spain to China, to Hawaii to San Francisco.
I miss the old ages of oceanography. When technology was always secondary to the drive for science. When discovery was always two steps away, and the look and the feel of discovery was one of passion, elegance, and determination into a style all it's own. I admire Jaques-Yves Cousteau, I amazed with Picard, and I only hope that I will be able to emulate the will for science that they had, the same will for science that made it an adventure all it's own.
Your Birthdate: March 15 |
With a birthday on the 15th of any month, you are apt to have really strong attachments to home, family and domestic scene. The 1 and 5 equaling 6, provide the sort of energy that makes you an excellent parent or teacher. You are very responsible and capable. This is an attractive and an attracting influence. You like harmony in your environment and strive to maintain it. You tend to learn by observation rather than study and research. You may like to cook, but you probably don't follow recipes. This number shows artistic leanings and would certainly support an talents that may be otherwise in your makeup. You're a very generous and giving person, but perhaps a bit stubborn in ways. |
whatever you want to do,
is alright with me,
'cause you make me feel
so brand-new,
I want to spend my life with you,
they say it seems, baby,
since we've been together,
loving you forever,
is what I need.
Let me be the one you come runnin' to,
I'll never be, ah, untrue,
Ooo baby,
Let's... Let's stay together,
loving you whether, whether,
times are good or bad,
happy or sad,
whether time are good or bad,
happy or sad.
Why, somebody?,
Why do people break up,
and turn around and make up?
I just can't see.
You'd never do that to me
(would you baby)?
Being around you,
is all I see.
Here's what I want to do:
Let's... Let's stay together,
loving you whether, whether,
times are good or bad,
happy or sad.
(come on)
Let's... Let's stay together,
loving you whether, whether,
times are good or bad,
happy or sad...
*KISS*!
Her name?: Jennifer Anne Ruiz
Her age?: 18
How long have you been together?: 1 year and 8 days!
Eye color?: Brown
Hair color?: Golden Brown
Hair style?: Naturally Curvaceous and wavy
How
did you meet?: Jennifer visted my friends and me on one side of the
school, and then we didn't really talk much until junior and senior
year.
How serious is it?: Best not to say anything (looks towwards the heavens)
Do you love her?: Yes. Absolutely
Does she love you?: Yes, with all her heart
Do your parents like her?: From what time they met her, they seem to like her a lot.
Do you trust her?: Yes...
Trust her enough to drive your car?: She doesn't really drive much, so no, but it ain't her fault
Would you share a toothbrush with her?: Yes, she's very clean
Does she let you wear her pants?: haha, once
Do you have a shirt of hers to sleep in that smells like her?: Sadly, no
Do you like the way she smells?: Oh yes, like a warm summer's day
Can you picture having kids with her?: no comment (looks heaven-ward)
What do you like the most about her?: The way she's so comforting and understanding when it comes to emotions
What bothers you the most about her?: Her past and how it's affected
Does she have a temper?: Only when certain things bring up certain emotions
What
did you give her for the last gift giving occasion?: Seaworld, and some sick ponchos
Does she have a cute nickname for you?: Pooh Bear, Captain Nemo, the works
Do you have a nickname for her?: Something new all the time
Do you think she`s cute?: Better than that
Who`s more sensitive to the touch?: Jennifer by far
Does she understand you?: Yes, some things no, but that's just because we're all different
Does she give good hugs?: THe best
Is she romantic?: A dreamer indeed
What part of her personality attracted you to her first?: Her openess, her understanding, her kindness, and her comedy similar to mine
her best physical trait?: her. period. jelly. bitch.
Is there anything you wish she`d change about herself?: just the things that she wouldn't want to do away with herself.
Do you find her controlling?: ...it's never her fault.
What`s the cutest thing about her?: the sounds she makes (woop!)
Do you think you could do better?: not in a chance
What
does she do that makes you feel REALLY good?: tells me that I mean the world to her and that i can be her captain nemo any day
Does she make you happy?: Yes!
Do
you remember the EXACT moment you fell for her?: She said the best opinion, ever, one night.
What
does she say/do that always makes you smile?: Laugh every day.
My dad would always be there to make something and to do something productive and physical to always remind me of the strength i have as a burly man GRRRR.
My mom would always be there to make me something nice to eat and to smile and tell me funny things she's heard throughout her day and just be a mom.
My sis would always be there to make up something to do that would be fun and cool and she'd always remind me of who i am and to be the jedi master.
I miss them. I miss them a lot. When the world around me begins to crumble, they're the ones that always seem to stand up the strongest.
I love you Mom, Dad, May; hope to see you all soon.
-Your Son, and brother
Nam Huu Nguyen
